here lies the abyss

tie a rope around your neck, and let me kick you off a bungee So I scream, I scream and I thrash as apa pushes me towards the portal, ushering a mass of warm reds and orange figures tinged with yellows and even some blue, towards the supposed portal. I screamed at him, I let my throat run dry and scratchy and still my words left my lips with venom, with malice as I struggled through the crowd. "Engedj el!" It's white hot, searing against my cheeks and burning holes in my tongue as I squirm against too many other bodes, over too much skin pressed against mine, uncomfortable and dying. I am clinging to Helovia, begging to remain with her, with anyone that wasn't this overwhelming mass of shared blood, this sea of the Indomitable's children that drowns me and my shouts out. "Baszd meg, mindannyian!" Teeth snap, reaching through the air as scarred brows twitch and sting, furrowed more than they have ever been before. I am an overflow of emotion, a mess of chaotic and forsaken love, of surging anxiety and pain I cannot bear - I had to tell her that I was sorry, I had to forgive her, I had so much to do with her, for her - and I couldn't, not when the portal threatened collapse and my body squirmed and I bubbled with rage. I hated Kaos, I hated her, I hated myself, I hated this whole fucking family because they dragged me with them and I hated them. I wanted to be let go, to be allowed to perish with the rest of Helovia, terrified of understanding and learning a whole new land, contained in a blip in time, threatening and dangerous, false safety. "Kérlek, nem hagyhatom el!" I lash out, I screech, a war cry echoing through the damp forest as my body trembles and I feel the gentle hands of fatigue embrace me - but I fight, I'm barreling through my brethren because they do not matter, I am forcing my way from my place at apa's side, running back to the source of where we had come. It's gone. The portal is gone, and I'm meeting empty space, swallowed up by time and it's gone, it's gone and we're trapped here and - I collapse, leaning against a rough, cool tree and I feel my lungs falling in, pain piercing my sides as I take sharp breaths, pressure building in my chest as my knees tremble and everything falls apart. I can't tell whether it's rage or guilt or grief that curses me so, that turns me into some fuming, sobbing disaster before this over-sized family of Volterra's. I feel hopeless, I feel lost, and despite being surrounded by family, I feel alone, as though the world is entirely empty except for me, weeping and motherless. I am a child again, filled with fears that expand beyond my sight, that well in my heart and pool in my gut, that twist my insides into knots and picks apart my thoughts. "Nem lehetek itt, vissza kell mennünk." And amidst my words, I can hear screaming too, but they are not my banshee wails, released out of despair, out of the loss of a parent who was never close but was still a piece of me - I can hear the words slip out, can hear one of the children's words ring out against the world, rage against the god that had forsaken us, who had brought Helovia to its knees and wiped it clean. And the rage is eating me away, too, stinking up the air around me the same way that the crown adorns my head does, rots my insides and turns me foul - because fuck her, fuck whoever screams at Kaos, who foolishly shouts and threatens this god, who acts like she can beat him. I can hear her speaking to others, as if trying to recruit them to her stupid cause, because she hadn't learned that mortals stood no chance against Kaos, against this false god who had been growing beneath our noses, who had gained power and recognition and they had destroyed everything. Momma did not die by his hand, but I raged against him still because his looming destruction forced her into a corner, left her tangled in Helovia's roots and buried within it's heart, because she could not leave it. So I'm spitting, I'm reaching out and I can feel it, the spread of malicious magic as it reaches out and brushes against organic matter, as it snuffs out the flesh that clings to bone, as it feeds on it and I can feel my heart racing, because this is new. And I'm angry, I'm sobbing and I hate it here, with all the siblings who mock me with their perfection, with their strong bodies and heated reptiles at their sides. I'm turning, I'm furious, burning away through the air and closing in on the defiant filly. It feels foreign, speaking a language that is not apa's tongue, or Zekì or Kye's, but the universal language known by most. It felt bitter and heavy on my tongue, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. "Te bolond, you are stupid to think that you have a chance against Kaos - did you not witness what he was capable of? Could you not see what fate waited for those who opposed him? You are a child, egy hülye baba, to think you, or any of us, can stop him." My knees are weak, my head is spinning and my words are raspy, rough as they slide from my lips and I can feel my face relaxing, can feel the aftermath of my trauma, slipping into a comatose state as my body remains but my mind goes free. I am burning against momma's touch, scar aching with the last shreds of maternal affection as I stood before an audience of Volterra's children, from the youngest to the oldest, each one filling be with sick disgust. I didn't want to be here any longer, didn't want to stand before their judgmental eyes, feasting on the sight of my shaking, mutilated body, wondering silently what had caused such hideous damage. "Csúnya,""hässlich,""brutta." Each syllable dragged out in my mind, and I turned sharply on my heals, inhaling sharply to give one final goodbye to apa. "Nem akarok maradni, meg kell látnom, mi ez a hely. Viszlát, apa."

Baszd meg, mindannyian!, fuck you, fuck all of you
Kérlek, nem hagyhatom el, please, i can't leave you (her)

SWP Participation

Magics:
- {SAFE} :: [ Magic: Dark | Flesh rots in her presence, causing severe pain, minor muscle atrophy and blistering. ]
:: [ Restrictions | Has a radius of 10m, severity depends on length of exposure. ]
- :: [ Magic: Light (P) | Can sense surrounding thermal signatures with her skin. ] (mess with this one, idc)
:: [ Restrictions | Extends radius of 30m. ]

Enchanted items
- {SAFE} :: [ Item: Funeral Veil | A withered flower crown with bone thorns and a black veil that makes the wearer smell of rotting flesh. ]

Rift-god / Kaos items
- n/a

Amulets : 0

Companion/s :
- n/a

Species change (if applicable) : n/a

Requests: taking her normal items:
:: [ Item: Trinket | Half of a rib from Alvilda's corpse. ]
:: [ Item: Trinket | A long, red braid woven around a piece of glass horn. ]
:: [ Item: Trinket | A cracked glass heart filled with iridescent liquid. ]